Shellshock
by Ayumi Elric
Summary: Some people can enter a war and simply kill people with no effect.Others can't pull the trigger until they see their lives at stake.And others still can't learn to kill until it's too late, and they lose someone before they can fight.Ed's one of them.
1. Death

**n.n Oh yay! You opened this up! Whoot! Well this is Shellshock! Well, during my S.S. class, we were watching this WW1 movie, and they mentioned something about shellshock, and how it affects people. Soooo, struck by this sudden idea, I started researching shellshock, and then voila! **

**Now as the story goes, Ametris and Creta had this major war. (Creta isn't made up btw, don't remember if it was mentioned in the anime, but it's slightly talked about in the FMA manga) I based this war they had on WW1, though thankfully not as long. I believe I made their war only about 6 months, which is I know, very short but oh well. XP**

**Disclaimer: Major props to Hiromu Arakawa!! I lobve you, you brought FMA into our lives!!**

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"It's **shellshock**…when a person is subjected to continuous explosions and storms of bullets, his emotions might overload and his body could become paralyzed with fear…"

"You can't be serious! To send young children out in a war like this?! There's no need to have anyone under the age of 25 to join the war!"

"There's no need, but I want to win this war Major. They knew the risks when they joined the military…it was their choice to serve this country."

"Noo! Please, don't go!"

_Voices playing over and over in my head…when will they stop? When will the pain go away? …come back…please, **please**, come back…I can't live without you…_

Winry Rockbell looked out of her workshop window with hopeful, sapphire blue eyes. She's just heard the good news today. The war was over, and after only three months of being there, her friends Edward Elric, his brother Alphonse and their friend Ayumi Arumatsu would be coming home. All good timing, seeing as she had been stricken with terrible luck the week before. Aunt Pinako, it has seemed, had died, passing gently in her sleep. Winry was devastated, but her friends were sure to cheer her up.

She watched for only a few moments, when a small black car drove up the road. It stopped close to her house. She stood up and poked her head out the window, straining to see the people inside. Was it them?

The door opened, and a woman stepped out, her long black hair trailing behind her in a long ponytail, her skin pale. She was wearing an official looking, long black dress, thin against her bony structure. A man wearing a matching black suit was clinging to her arm, his face hidden, as he was staring inside the car. But his hair was shining in the sun, a beautiful golden color, and was also tied in a ponytail.

Winry gasped and smiled. "Ed! Ayumi!" She called excitedly, waving down at them.

The woman blinked, looking up and squinting up at her. Her amethyst eyes were shining…with tears? She lifted her hand and waved slightly, unsmiling.

Winry blinked. "I'll be right down!" She yelled down to her, quickly running from the window and down the stairs, her blonde hair flapping behind her. Skipping the final steps out the door, she rushed to meet them.

"Ed, Ayumi! I'm so glad to see you." She said, panting slightly.

"I told you before, we'd be fine…I said I'd protect them, remember?" Ayumi said quietly.

"Well yeah, but I couldn't help but be worried anyway." Winry said, trying to hide her confusion. Ayumi never acted this serious before, and Ed, he didn't speak at all. She didn't even think he noticed she was standing there, just kept staring painfully inside the car.

"Where's Al?" She asked, looking around. "Is he still inside the car or something…?"

Ed flinched, tearing his eyes away from the interior and now staring up at Ayumi. Ayumi stiffened, then looked at the ground.

"H…he's…he's gone…" He managed to whisper.

"Gone?" Winry repeated. "What do you m-"

Ayumi pointed inside the car, tears now flowing freely down her face. Puzzled, Winry craned her neck to look inside. "No…" Inside, was a single long black coffin…

-

"Winry, I don't want you to _ever_ mention Al's death, alright?"

"But…why not?"

"How do you think Ed feels? Don't you care?!"

"Of course I care…sorry…"

Ayumi sighed, covering her face with her hands. She slowly slid them off her face, to her hair, where she pulled her hair from its ponytail. "It was an ambush." She whispered.

"…do you mind if I ask what happened?"

"Fine…the Cretean army was closing in on our trench… naturally we tried to fight back, but they had gotten too close… we were told to stay put though, until every one of theirs was dead. But then…they started bombing us…and everyone was scared and…and pushing people away to try and get away, so that they could live…and I got separated from Ed and Al." Ayumi paused, wiping her eyes. "I don't know, I think someone kicked Al down or something…but he was exposed to the gasses from the bomb and…"

"…that's…" Winry choked.

"It was horrible…when I finally got back, Al was in Ed's arms, already dead…and Ed was crying, I don't even think he noticed that he was about to be attacked…" She put her head down on her folded arms on the table and cried.

Winry ignored the tears raining down from her eyes and looked into the next room, staring at Ed's form on the bed. "Ed…"

--

Ed sat in his bed, hugging his knees tightly to his body, his hands trembling steadily. He stared out at the bright crescent moon outside which bathed the room in an eerie white light. He didn't seem to notice how he still had his funeral clothes still on, how his breath was coming in faster as time pasted, or the tears that fell like diamonds, glittering in the light. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen from crying, his face paler then usual.

So many times he had almost lost Al, and all those times he had cheated his death and his brother's…but now. He was all alone now, while his brother was together with his mother. And he had been left behind…

"Ed, can I come in?"

He twitched at the sudden noise, glancing at his visitor, then back at the moon.

Winry nervously walked inside, and sat next to him in the bed, staring at him with a look of concern. "Ed about Al…"

Ed twitched again but didn't respond.

"I'm really sorry to bring this up but…things are going to get better, okay?"

"How…? He's gone, dammit!" Ed yelled.

"I…I didn't mean…."

"Just forget it." Ed muttered, looking away.

"You know, you never listen, do you Winry?"

"Oh! Ayumi, I was just"

"Forget it, okay?" Ayumi pushed her hair out of her face and frowned at Ed. "Winry, you're going to have to go now…I want to talk to Ed."

"O…okay…" Winry looked at him once more. "Night Ed." She said as she walked out.

"Ed, you're going to worry Winry…" Ayumi started.

"I don't care…"

"But she doesn't know that-"

"I don't care."

"You're going to have to care Ed." Ayumi said firmly, as she sat at the top of the bed, facing him. He twitched. She motioned him closer, tugging at his arm until he finally sat besides her. She then rested her head on his shoulder. "Trembling again, I see. How's your head?" She felt his forehead.

"Better." He muttered.

"Are you hungry Ed? 'Cause I have some-"

"Not hungry."

"You have to eat something though. You haven't eaten since we left…"

He twitched again, staring out the window.

"You know…you're not alone." She whispered after a long moment passed. "You have me, and you have Winry."

There was silence once more. Ayumi sighed. "You better sleep tonight." She mumbled, wiggling under the sheets. She stared up at him. "Hey…" She said, touching his arm slightly, feeling him stiffen even more. "Just…remember what I said, alright?"

"I will…"

She smiled. "Night." She said as she rolled over.

Ed watched her sleep, his breathing once again fast. Nervously, he called her name, making sure she was asleep, then slowly reached into his pocket, pulling out a small white bottle. Popping off the cover, he shook a couple of thin, white pills. He stared at them, then put them in his mouth, swallowing them quickly before shaking more from the bottle. 7 of them he swallowed, before finally a creeping feeling flooded into his mind, and he accepted the soothing darkness of unconsciousness.

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**I hope you liked it! The update will be soon.**

**I think I have to do more research with shellshock, because I have this list of sympthoms and etc. It's not like I'm going to be giving Ed all of them, but like, yeah. **

**When my sister read this, she was confused. To take some confusion out, the car Ayumi and Ed (and Al ;.; ) as in was that car for the dead… what was that called again? Was it a morgue or…-shrugs- and after Winry sees the coffin and I leave it off and all, they have Al's funeral, then Ed goes straight to his room, and Ayumi and Winry talk. And another thing is that they're all like, about 19 or 20 during all this. And yes. Ed and Ayumi slept together…well, Ayumi slept and Ed well…-cough- They've been doing that when they were at war, and they're gonna keep doing it, so if you can't stand it, ignore it. XP**

**I'm sorry everyone for killing Al! I didn't want to, but the story would make more sense that way. Originally he would've never went to the war, and stayed with Winry but…I didn't like how that went. Too many characters to work with. (And yay, more character deaths will be found out later, myahah!)**

**Please review!**


	2. Broken

**Yay for chapter 2 of Shellshock! -is at a loss for what to say- Umm...yeah...I'm just gonna start now. Wait...I**** really should list the pairings. Don't know all of them...lets see...AyumixEd as always, slight EdxWinry, WinryxAl and uhh...that's all from this chapter. (kinda a love rectangle going on in there)**

**Disclaimer: Full Metal Alchemist is owned by a greater and richer person then I.**

**Dedications: Before I forget! Dedicated to the usual: Emjay, Keaka, Yun, Eli, Alexa and Cathy. Also to my S.S. teacher, because without him and his pwning-ness this fanfic wouldn't exist, and the FMA world would be alot happier.**

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_"Brother!"_

_"Al!" Ed struggled against the rough current of his fellow soldiers, all running in a wild frenzy, trying to get away. He could barely hear Al's voice over the screaming, the gunshots, the explosions._

_Then, a small, muffled explosion sounded, follosing by a soft hissing sound. The attempts to get away increased as the air started filling with a yellow fog. _

_"Brother, where are you! I-I can't see!"_

_"Al, I'm coming!"_

_"Fullmetal, what the hell do you think your doing?!" Ed was halted, his arm jerked back as someone grabbed him as he sprinted past. He panicked, turning and glaring at his captor. "Let go Colonel."_

_Roy only tightened his grip on his arm, sternly returning the glare. His other hand was clutching at a bullet wound on his side, where blood was slowly blossoming over his cobalt jacket. "Do you have any idea what you were running towards?"_

_"I don't care, just leave me alone!" Ed snarled._

_"You idiot, you'll only end up poisoned by the gas." Roy responded bitterly._

_"Look, you can even see that it's dissapating, let me go!" Ed started, struggling, tugging himself towards where he heard Al was. He couldn't even hear him anymore, but then, Al's voice was suddenly heard, clearer then before. The soldiers were leaving._

_"Brother! Br-" Al's shouts were inturrupted by sudden, violent coughing, following a horrible splattering sound, and a pained, ragged scream._

_"Al's over there?!"_

_"Yes, you bastard! Rot in hell!" Ed punched Roy's arm off, throwing him another glare full of hatred before sprinting towards the trench. The soldiers had finally cleared out, and bodies of the unlucky littered the ground._

_He finally saw him. Al was on all fours, vomiting a mix of blood, bile and gore. "A-Al!"_

_Al looked up, a thick dark liquid dripping from his mouth, collecting in a puddle below him. His eyes were frantically searching around, now dull and clouded over. He coughed again, then his eyes closed and a pained, but blank expression washed over him. He fell sideways, into the trench. He landed onto the bloodied ground with a soft splash and a weak moan._

_"No! Al!" Ed jumped into the trench, sliding down the steep walls. Water seeped into the legs of his pants as he fell towards Al, sliding on the ground to him, rolling him ovr onto his back, holding him upright in his arms. "Come on, please."_

_Al's eyes opened slowly. But he was blind now. Everything looked dark, blocked by shadows. He could only just see Ed's face above him, staring down at him, racked with worry and devastation. Or was he just imagining his face, as he stared up at the darkness._

_"A...you'll be okay..." Ed's voice came out shaky and small. He tried to hold back his tears. Al felt so frail in his arms._

_"B-brother...it hurts..." Al croaked, staring up at the sky with a distant look._

_"It's okay Al...you're gonna get help, alright? Just...just hold on.."_

_"Brother...I...don't want to die..." Al's voice cracked. He winced. "There's still things I want to do...I...don't want to...to go...d-don't..."_

_"You're not going to die Al! I'll make sure of it. You won't die, not here, not now, just please, hold on." Ed felt hot tears form in hsi eyes again. He was lying to himself. Lying to Al. He was going to die, he could feel it._

_Al opened his mouth to say something. His breath came out shaky as he vomited again, tears starting to now pour from his destroyed eyes. "Brother, don't let me go, I don't want to die, I wan to stay with you! I can't...say goodbye..." His voice weakened. _

_"I won't Al...d...don't worry..." Ed said, pulling Al closer to him. "Together, we'll both get through this, okay?"_

_Al nodded weakly, trying to speak but grimacing, a new wave of the same dark liquid forcing it's way out from deep inside him. He muttered something through the flood, his eyes closing. His whole bdy went rigid, then slowly limped._

_Ed's heart skipped a beat, He froze...then quickly looked at Al's face. "A-al...Al! Wake up! Please wake _up Ed! Come on, get up!"

Ed jolted awake, quickly being joined by huge headache and the realization that it was all just a dream. Everything seemed hazy. He felt sluggish, cold, and his skin was clammy, covered in cold sweat. Something dripped onto his cheek. He blinked a couple of times, and looked up. Ayumi was leaning over him, glaring angrily at him, but tears were cascading down her pale face.

"Ayumi...?" He started groggily.

"What the _hell_ were you thinking?!" She shouted.

He winced. Her shouting only made his head hurt more. What was she so angry about? "What?"

"Don't you act dumb!" She shot back, shaking the small white bottle in his face. "What were you doing with these?!"

"Crap..." Ed muttered, sitting up and taking the bottle. He didn't answer.

"Ed, please...tell me." She whispered, no longer looking angry. Just sad.

"...some guy gave them to me during the war. You wanted me to sleep, so I used these. But they're expired, they weren't working right, so I took more to get them to work faster." He said in a monotone, looking up at Ayumi through his golden bangs.

"You idiot..." She hugged him. "I thought I lost you..."

He sighed. "No..."

-

Winry stared down at the small gravestone in front of her. Her eyes were blank, red and swollen from crying. "Al...why did you leave me...I never...got to tell you how I felt..." She whispered dryly, wiping her eyes as she turned, heading back for the house.

As she approached it, Ayumi and Ed both walked out of it. Ayumi smiled weakly at her. "Sorry Winry, we'll be right back. I'm just taking Ed to the hospital, he kinda...well, I'll tell you later."

Winry nodded. "Okay..."

"Just um...wash up, you're looking kinda..." She shook her head, continuing down the road after Ed, who was walking slowly down the path, staring at the dirt.

Winry winced, walking inside. _Why Al...why now...I was counting on you...you and Ed..._She walked into the bathroom, staring at her reflection. She grimaced. Her hair was messy and uncombed, her eyes puffy, her face pale. She sighed, covering her eyes with her hands. "I hate this..." She looked at the mirror, gasping. She stepped back.

Instead of her, Al reflected back at her through the mirror. Something dark was dripping from his mouth, and his eyes were dull, but he was smiling at her, his palm pressed against the glass.

"Al...y-you..." She pressed her palm on his. Then, he was gone. Winry bit on her lip. She can't be doing this now, but...

"Winry..."

Winry looked around, startled. It was Al's voice.

"Winry, come here."

She followed the voice into her room, stumbling on a chair in her way. She looked at her mirror. Al reflected back at her again, smiling widely. "Hi Winry."

"A...Al..." Winry stuttered, backing up.

His head tilted. "Why were you crying?"

"B-because..." She gulped. "You left me...and I wanted you here with me...Granny died, and I wanted you here to comfort me, you and your brother both, but now..." She sniffed back new tears.

"I'm sorry..." Al whispered. "Now that I have to leave you again..." He faded away, as a new figure filled in for him. A pale figure with long hair of every color. Black eyes shining hungry, angry, death filled. A starved, beautiful, deformed monster. Death.

"Hello Winry." Came Death's booming, but soft voice.

Winry tried to scream, but her voice was caught in her throat.

Death smiled pearly white teeth at her. "You're lonely, I can tell...missing your loved ones?"

She nodded. "I want them back..."

"Hmm? Do you now? Why?"

"I...didn't...w-want..."

"You'll see them again, just tell me the truth you wanted to tell him _so_ badly. What's your real reason?" Her voice was icy. Winry shuddered.

"I wanted to tell him...th...that I...love him." She sighed. So she finally told.

Death smiled at her. "I'll let you be free at last." She pointed behind her. Winry turned, and gasped. Hanging from the ceiling, was a long, sturdy looking rope, right over a thin black chair. "You can take your own life...or you can live with the pain forever...it's your choice Winry."

Winry walked towards the rope, her eyes wide and empty. She touched it delicatly. She could see Al again...Al and Granny...Ed would be upset...Ayumi would be mad...but there's nothing they could do, right? She looked back at Death, now replaced by Al's still form inside a coffin, hands closed around a single white rose. She twitched.

She touched the mirror's cold glass, a slight smile on her face. "I'm coming for you Al..." She whispered, kissing it lightly. Then, on her desk, she slowly wrote a short letter. When Ed and Ayumi see, they could read it. They'd understand, right? She taped the letter to her arm, then she quickly jumped onto the chair.

She faced the mirrored coffin, slipping her head through the noose. She smiled weakly. "Al..." She kicked the chair from under her.

-

"You're lucky that nothing bad happened to you." Ayumi muttered as she walked into the house with Ed behind her. "Hurry up and get ready for dinner, I'm cooking tonight."

"Uhuh..." Ed slowly walked down the hall, tracing the cracks with his finger. Something didn't feel right.

"Winry!" Ayumi called, looking around. "Winry, it's almost time for dinner!"

"Winry?" Ed poked his head into Winry's room. He froze. "No...NO!" He screamed, falling to his knees and pulling at his hair, his eyes wide and almost crazed looking.

"Ed? What happened?" Ayumi asked, coming down the hall. Ed didn't answer, just kept screaming.

Ayumi stared at Ed at the doorway, puzzled. She looked into Winry's room and grimaced at the sight. Winry, hanging from the ceiling, slightly swaying back and forth.

"Noo..." Ed moaned, rocking with his hands clenched over his heart. "Not Winry too...why..."

She walked into the room, her breath held as she approached her body, grimacing again. "Oh Winry..." She whispered, slowly taking the girl down. As she layed the corpse on the bed, a piece of paper caught her eyes. Looking confused, Ayumi peeled the paper from Winry's arm, unfolding it to read the contents.

_To Edward and Ayumi,_

_ I know this must be shocking for you to see. Me hanging from the ceiling dead. Another death isn't the easiest thing to take in. But I had to, I just couldn't live on knowing that each day of my life would be filled with the pain I feel now. When Granny died, I knew I could move on with both Ed AND Al conforting me, but that wasn;t what happened, was it? Al, the love of my life since I was a little girl, was killed in this pointless war. Granny's death and Al's was just too much. I couldn't handle it. I know that I'm taking the coward's way out but it was all I could do. I **saw** him today. After that, I couldn't just live on my life, not without Al. Death met me, I admit it, I agreed to take my life. Ed, I'm sure you'll get better and move on. I know you will. You're so strong and so unlike me. I'll tell Al and Granny that you miss them. Even your mom I taught Eli everything I know about automail, so I'm not worried about that. Please be strong Ed. Ayumi, please help him. Don't take the coward's way out like I did._

_ With my deepest love and sorrow,_

_ Winry Rockbell_

Ayumi was shaking with anger by the time she was finished. "You idiot...you...don't understand, Ed's not the way he is just because Al died..." She hissed, glaring at Winry's body. "You just didn't understand...Winry..."

---

**Ahh, fun! n.n Good chapter, good...liked the ending, yes I did...writing this chapter was...fun...-nod nod-**

**Please review! **


	3. Fault

**Yay, I've updated!!! -cheers- Sorry for the wait, but I just got inspiration (thank you Auntie!!!) So, whoot!**

**Disclaimer: If I had a nickel for everytime I've said this...I'd have alot of spare change. -.-;; Well, here's for another nickel! I don't own FMA.**

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Sunlight was twinkling gently though the bright green leaves of the forest. The river ran fast, splashing merrily against the rough, gray rocks. Ed was sitting on a large one, dressed in a black suit; the one he had worn for Al's funeral. Small bits of chalk lay near his feet. He was staring darkly at the river, muttering to himself as he attempted to draw a circle.

A loud banging sound broke through the tranquility. Ed yelped at the noise, scrambling to his feet. "Ayumi!"

Ayumi looked at him, sighing and pushing her hair out of her face. She was holding a gun in her other hand, hiving it aimed far off at a tree, five holes already cleanly shot into it. "Okay, I'll stop..I only wanted to empty it anyway." She said under her breath.

He was staring at the gun with slight disgust. "...how many are left?"

She blinked, glancing down at it. "Probably two or three." She walked over to sit next to him on the rock, leaning back to back on him. "Are you okay now?"

He looked down at the river again. "...I just can't believe she's gone too...and it was all my fault..."

She stared at him questionaly. "What?"

"I should've...I've known her all my life and I was to blind to see what was wrong with her...she was waiting for us..." He choked on the last word, trailing off.

"Don't blame yourself. I couldn't tell myself. She just hid it too well." She replied in an anxious tone.

He shook his head. "No...no, I killed her. I killed her, just like I killed Al...and...the Colonel..."

"Stop it Ed, you didn't kill anyone!" Ayumi snapped.

"I killed hell of alot of people, and you did too!" Him yelling made her wince. "Ed..."

"Every single soldier we had to shoot, or use alchemy to injure them, all of it killed them! They're all dead because of me! I killed Winry, I killed Al, I killed Mustang, I did it!" He stood up, glowering at her. "I killed them all, okay?? I'm the murderer! I ruined their lives! I should've died! ...he shouldn't have saved me..."

She looked up at him, her eyes sad. "Roy died only to save your life. It wasn't your fault." She whispered, standing up as well. "Which reminds me...we got an invite. So tommorow, we have to go to Central...for the...his funeral." She sighed. "There's been alot of those lately..."

He twitched, staring down at the ground. "I can't."

"You're going." She said over him. "You have to at least pay your respects...thank him or something."

"Wasn't it enough that I went to Winry's..."

She shrugged. "I'm going to pack now. Coming?"

"I'll stay." He said quickly, sitting on the rock again. She shrugged, walking off. He watched her go, making sure she was out of sight before turning back to the rubbed out drawings on the rock.

"...alchemy." He whispered, picking up the chalk and slowly drawing a transmutation circle. He stared at it when finished. "...equivalence." He stared up at the sky. "It was all a lie, wasn't it...what do I get, after losing my friends and family? Pain...?" He looked at the circle again.

"She was right...there is no equivalence..." He touched the circle, completely intending to activate it, but something stopped him. He glared down at it. "All of it...your fault." He said, pounding his fist on the circle before rubbing furiously on it with the side of his fist.

"I want them back! You took them from me! Why did I ever deserve it?! I was happy! I needed them! I want them back! I want them! Give them back to me, please!" He started to yell, rubbing harder and harder on the rough surface.

"Take me instead!" He didn't know when, but he was bleeding, the smudged out chalk turning pick and mucky. He stopped, staring down at what he did. And broke down in tears.

-

Ayumi shut her suitcase, sighing. _This war really messed things up._She glanced at a picture frame on the floor, surrounded by shards of broken glass. A picture of three little kids, all smiling up at the camera. A large slash in the picture ripped two of the kid's faces apart.

"...Ed?" She whispered, kneeling down to peer closely at the picture, confirming that it was a picture of Ed, Al and Winry. "..." She picked it up, taking it with her as she went to the phone and dialing quickly.

_"Hello?"_

"Hi Eli, it's Ayumi." She responded calmly, despite what she had found. 

"_Hi Ayumi. How are you?"_

"Good. Hey, since Roy's funeral tommorow and all...well, Ed and I are going to Central. You think we can stay at your place?" 

_"Of course Ayumi. Do you want two seperate rooms?"_

She laughed. "I knew you were gonna say that. I dunno, I'm okay with it, but with Ed..." 

"_Yeah...how's he been holding up? I'm worried about him."_

She groaned inwardly, wishing she hadn't brought up the subject."...I think he's getting worse. Because...a few days ago, Winry died." She said quietly. 

_"Oh no! How could have that happened! How did she die?" Her voice sounded strained._

Ayumi started curling the cord of the phone around her finger, staring at the wall. "...she hung herself." She whispered. 

"_Oh no. She killed herself...why?: She was speaking in a hushed voice now._

She sighed."I'm not exactly sure. She left a note-Ed never saw it of course, I hid it from him- but she was upset that Pinako died, and she wanted Ed and Al to cheer her up and...well..." 

_"Poor Ed. Two losses, so close together. Winry must have finally reached her limit. She was in love with Al after all. __And how are you holding up Ayumi?"_

She twitched. "I'm fine...just scared for Ed. It's like he's going to vanish from me any day now...What if he needs help? The doctors said it was temporary but..." 

_"It's an omen Ayumi. Doctors don't realize how close those three were. Take care of him Ayumi. I fear he's hurting more then we realize."_

"...okay. How's things at your end? You feeling okay after...Roy died?" She twitched again after hearing Eli sniffle. 

"_I've been...coping. It's so painful to be working at the office and him not being there too."_

"...sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it." She sighed again. 

_It's okay Ayumi..." Another sniffle before continuing. "I just need some time that's all."_

"Yeah..." She trailed off, hearing the door creak open. "Oh...that's probably Ed, I better go." She said quickly. 

_"Okay. I'll get your rooms ready. I'll fix two just in case."_

'Kay." 

_"Take care of yourself Ayumi. Give Ed my love and tell him to be careful."_

_"I will. Bye."_

_"Bye."_

She put the phone down just as Ed slowly walked into the room, holding his hand close to his chest, which was smudged with red. "Who was that...?"

"Ed, what happened to your hand?" Ayumi asked, rushing over to inspect the damage.

He pulled away. "I fell. Who was on the phone?"

"Doesn't look like you fell. Skin's all shredded over." She muttered suspiciously.

"I scrapped it on the rock when I fell. Who were you talking to?"

"Eli. I was asking if we could stay at her house since we can't go to mine." She answered darkly, looking around for something to wrap his hand in.

"I'm not going." Ed said firmly.

"Ed, we already talked about this. You're going." She said, glaring at him. "And if you don't, fine, I'll leave you here."

"No! Don't..."

"Then I guess you'll have to come, don't you? It'll be fine, okay?" Ayumi said with a smile, pefore looking at his hand again. "I'm going to get bandages..." She muttered, walking off.

He frowned, drawing his hand to his chest again. "...never wanted...to...say goodbye..."

-

**Yay for the longest chapter so far! X3 ...man, I can't think of anything to say. ;-; So um...please review!**


	4. Salvation

**Yay, update! Well, seeing as I've been working on angst, horror and tragedy alot lately, I just thought, instead of making new ones I should update something..so...like...yeah.**

**Little more horror in this chapter, cuz I got better at description! And there's slight EdxAyumi, deal with it. XP**

**Disclaimers are located in my official copyright now!**

**---**

_Major General Roy "Flame Alchemist" Mustang_

_1885-1915_

_A great man who-..._

Ed stared hard at the gray tombstone, hot tears stinging at his golden eyes and blurring his vision. He fought the need to blink, trying not to let the tears overflow. "Dammit, Mustang..." He whispered as he failed his attempt to not cry, two sparkling tears skimming down his paled face and falling, splashing soundlessly on the slightly wilted bouquet of white flowers decoratively placed on the newly dug up dirt of the grave.

The funeral had taken place earlier that morning. It was mid-afternoon now, and Ed still remained the only one in front of the grave, unaware of most of his surroundings as he slid in and out of faded daydreams.

"Shouldn't we get him now...?" A girl whispered to her companion a few feet off, her usually crimson red eyes shining gray with worry.

Ayumi sighed. "No...it's like he's not even there anymore...I can't bear to have him like this, Eli. Isn't there anyway you could help him?"

Eli shook her head sadly. "It's too dangerous. Besides...the doctors said that it was only a temporary affect from the war...right?"

"I really hope so..." Ayumi's eyes saddened as she watched him let out another heart wrenching sob.

-

_"Al! Please! Don't leave me!" Frantic sobs met her as she clambered back into the soaked trench, coughing at the heavy stench of death permeating the air. "Ed!? Where are you?" She yelled, staggering through the mud, her eyes watering over so she couldn't see more then a few feet in front of her She yelped, tripping over a body and fell into the brown mess, cursing under her breath while at the same time, utterly sickened._

_She scrambled to her feet, running in the direction of his voice. There was a small clearing. She stopped, her heart skipping a beat, staring into it, her amethyst eyes wide and horrified at what she saw; Ed was clinging to Al's bloody corpse, sobbing uncontrollably. "A-al..no..." She choked out hoarsely._

_"Al, come back!" He wailed, clapping his hands together, the familiar sound of it echoing eerily throughout the trench. Instantly understanding what he was trying to do, she jerked his arms back before he could start the transmutation. "Ed, you can't!"_

_He just stared at her, his eyes large and bloodshot, his pupils dilated. "Ayumi, your soul alchemy...you can transmute souls...transmute his! Please, bring him back!"_

_"No, Ed, I-" She stopped, feeling a hand on her shoulder. She looked up to gaze into the Colonel's face. "It's alright Ayumi..."_

_She opened her mouth to speak, but just as she did, gunfire had opened up again. She screamed out, trying to shield Ed, seeing as he was oblivious to the sudden attack, still grief-stricken of his brother's death._

_Roy whipped around, snapping his fingers in the direction of the shooting. The resulting fire turreted through the air, scorching flying bullets and flew off into the distance. There was a moment of silence, which all relaxed thinking it was over, then a flash of light from the area of the attack, a tower of flames hurtling themselves towards the two younger alchemists, the same flame just transmuted. She shrieked again, burying her face into Ed's back._

_"Dammit!" Roy hissed out, running to block the attack, snapping both of his fingers simultaneously. _ _Sparks__ flashed, forming into an identical tower that collided with the other, exploding at contact. Her shrieks were unheard over the noise, all of them being blown back as the blaze consumed itself, letting loose a dark cloud of steaming smoke._

_"_ _Roy__!" Ayumi uncovered her face, squinting through the black smoke that enveloped the air. She gasped in shock, finally spotting her commanding officer fall after his last attack; as he was unable to escape the aftermath of the explosion with his side already wounded. She ran towards him, worry seeping into her eyes. When she finally reached him, Ayumi kneeled down at his side. "Are you okay? _ _Roy__ merely doubled over in pain. Ayumi looked at where _ _Roy__'s hand was clutching his side as he saw her do before._

_She gently pried his fingers away and flinched at the sight. What wasn't covered by the charred, tattered remains of his uniforms, the skin was blackened and shining. Under a more serious part, another wound, a shallow bullet wound deep enough to bleed was gruesomely twisted. It was completely black, the dead skin peeling back to reveal the messy underside of the burn. Around it, flesh was left blistering and red, a foaming white pus escaping from somewhere, small bubbles slowly crawling under his charred skin. The burn spread around his side, cracking in a spider web pattern across, making way for more bleeding. _

_"What's wrong with him!?" Ed cried out, crawling to her side, dragging with him his brother's corpse on his back._

_She shook her head, unable to form words. "G-get to safety..." Roy mumbled out through his clenched jaw, his words almost illegible. His eyes slowly closed. She panicked, quickly checking for his pulse. "Roy, come on, don't die dammit...we have to get you to Eli's, come on..." A slowed, strangled heartbeat answered her. _

Dammit..._She thought bitterly, slowly lifting _ _Roy__ from the ground. _I need to find help...how can I save him...?

-

"Well, here they are." Eli smiled weakly, pointing down the hallway of her house. "See, that one's Ayumi's, and that one can be yours, Ed."

"I'm staying with Ayumi." Ed stated quickly, tightening his arms around Ayumi's, clinging to her like a lifeline.

"Oh...okay, that's fine too." Eli glanced at her friend nervously, still unused to his changed behavior. She didn't react, sighing to herself.

"It's better this way anyway, wouldn't want him alone seeing as he barely sleeps anymore." She muttered dully, moving across the floor and into her room, unfazed by Ed's sad whimpering as she casually pulled the gun from her halter and placed it on a desk.

"You still carrying that thing around, Ayumi?" Eli blinked, sounding surprised.

"I guess..."

"Oh...uh...well, goodnight..." Eli flicked their light off, closing the door behind them.

"Well Ed..." She looked at him warily. "...just...don't worry about anything, okay? Things will get better..." She whispered more to herself then to him as he just stared blankly at her. She sat on the bed, pulling him down next to her.

"See...? Just like during the war, during those nights off duty. Just like this..." She breathed out, pulling herself close so she could curl up against his chest.

"Yeah..." He replied slowly, staring distantly out the window. What was she even talking about? The war was nothing like this. Sleeping cramped against other shivering bodies as death surrounded them. Once, someone who had slept besides him had died during the night. He almost shuddered, remembering the cold flesh of the body and that horrible smell of rotting. He could almost smell it now...he _could_ smell it now.

Confused, he looked besides him, also yelling out. _No...not Ayumi too! _He screamed in his mind, seeing her corpse rotting before his eyes, empty sockets staring at him, maggots falling through them.

"_WHy EdwArd? Why didn'T yOu save Me?" _It croaked, reaching out a crumbling, blood soaked hand to him.

"No! I didn't do this!" He backed up further and further from it. Suddenly he was falling into a black void with spirits reaching for his body, the flames of hell climbing higher and higher for him.

He hit the wooden floor hard, jolting him away from his nightmare. He sat up, covered in a cold sweat, panting hard. He never even remembers himself falling asleep. He looked over the bed, seeing her sleeping soundly.

_When will the torture stop..._He clumsily stood, glancing at the desk where her gun still lay, its metal glinting in the moonlight. He stared at it, before slowly going to it, picking it up and moving it around in his long fingers._ I can end it now...?_

"No." He told himself, shaking his head. "I can't, I'll just be hurting Ayumi and the others..." He glanced at the bed again, climbing back on it with the gun still in hand.

_Ayumi even said she wouldn't know what she would do without me...maybe...she could follow me..._He frowned, looking down at the gun again. _Two or three bullets left..._ He turned, sitting on the edge of the bed now, ignoring the shift of movement behind him. He slowly nodded to himself. "I'm not going to keep living this hell..."

He slowly moved the gun barrel to point at his temper, his finger moving to just touch the trigger. His heart beat wildly in his chest as he sat there, not moving. A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead. He shut his eyes tight, squeezing the trigger.

Time seemed to slow down. Someone had screamed at him at the exact moment he had fired, lunging at him. Blood splattered onto him and the floor but...he felt no pain, just completely dizzy. Could he be dead already?

No...he wasn't...

Someone else was hissing in pain. Someone else, angrily grabbing the gun away from him. Someone else, yelling at him for ever considering suicide; Ayumi, her hand covered with crimson liquid. His eyes widened as they cleared, his head still reeling from the sound and power the gun had let out. "Ayu...I'm sorry..." He made out quickly.

She seethed out a curse, clutching her hand again. "What the hell were you thinking!"

"I...I don't know...I was thinking about the war and I think I fell asleep and I had this nightmare, but it seemed so real, and after I woke up I just...I don't want this to go on anymore...I was scared..."

Her eyes softened, still reflecting new pain. "And killing yourself was the way to end this..."

"I miss Al..." He murmured shakily, his frame trembling as he started sobbing into his hand again.

"Oh..." She wrapped her arms around him. "It'll be okay..." She cooed as he cried into her shoulder. She glared through the darkness, her amethyst eyes fixed at the moon crossing under the dark clouds. _Always playing with your prey, aren't you...Death..._

_---_

**-cue dramatic music- Myahaha! Whoo, that was a good chapter! n.n Hope you liked it, I think it was kinda better then the others, so like...yeah...**

**Please review!**

_© Copyright 2007 Ayumi Elric (FanFiction ID 1136837 ). All rights reserved. The series Full Metal Alchemist(Hagane No Renkinjutsushi) belongs fully to Himoru Arakawa; usage of her series and character is entirely borrowed. All rights reserved for plot, not to be stolen, copied or reproduced without the permission of Ayumi Elric._


	5. Promise

**Okay! It's time to update! Sorry for the wait, everyone!**

**I'm enjoying making Ed suicidal and crazy...I don't know why, but I like torturing Ed alot...mwahahahah!!!!!!!**

**---**

_Three youths sat at the side of the road, all dressed in cobalt blue military uniforms. Two young boys sat besides a girl in the middle. The girl was laying on her back, her black hair strewn around her, staring up at the sky. The boys looked at her and smiled, following her example and watching the clouds. _

_"Hey, Ed, Al? Do you think this battle will change anything?" The girl asked quietly. The blonde turned his head and looked at her questionably. "What do you mean?"_

_She sat up and shrugged. "I dunno. It's just a feeling...don't you think this war will change how we are?"_

_"I don't think so, Ayumi." Al replied, smiling a bit. "It's not like fighting is going to change how we are. We'll still be the same people afterwards."_

_"Of course we will! Maybe even stronger, we'll be using our alchemy all the time, right?" Edward exclaimed excitedly. Ayumi looked down at her hands and sighed. "I don't like the idea of using my alchemy to kill though..."_

_"We don't either. But we have to anyway, for the good of the country. It's not like we really have a choice...and besides! There's nothing really to worry about, right? We're all gonna stay together and make sure none of us get hurt." Al smiled reassuringly. _

_"Yeah! We all promised Winry we'll get back safely." Ed agreed. Ayumi smiled. "You guys were right, I dunno why I asked." _

_"It's because you think too much." Ed teased, sticking out his tongue. Ayumi wrinkled her nose and poked his forehead. Al laughed a bit, grinning at the two of them. "We made a promise..." He echoed, lying back again. The other two smiled and nodded. "A promise..."_

_-_

"A promise..." Ed whispered to himself, clenching his already gripped fist. Ayumi looked at him strangely from where she sat on the floor, examining her wound. "What?"

"...it's nothing." Ed sighed, standing up and staring at her bloody hand. "You okay?" Ayumi nodded, showing him her palm still stained with crimson and dripping with scarlet. He grimaced. "See, it's _that_ deep; it didn't go through my hand, how lucky." She told him calmly, drawing her hand back to peer at it.

"I'm sorry..." Ed whispered sheepishly, much like a child would apologize for a mistake. Ayumi smiled slightly, before turning back to her hand. "It's not your fault, she has your mind..."

Ed stared at her. "W-what?" He asked, his voice cracking slightly. "Huh? Oh, it's nothing..." Ayumi smiled again, poking her finger around inside the hole and wincing as she pushed a second finger in and dug around. Ed stared at her, or rather at the blood now spurting from the wound. "What...are you...doing...?"

"Ow!" Ayumi yelped instead of answering, tugging something out of her hand. "Ha! I got the bullet out!" She cheered too herself, waving it around in her air. Ed blinked slowly at her as she stopped and frowned, gently placing the crimson bullet on the nightstand before her. "Here she comes..." She murmured, gently lapping away the red smudges on her arm. Ed looked questionably at her when the door burst open. It was Eli, looking frantic when she ran in, a gun in her gloved hands that glowed silver transmutation circles. Underneath her, her shadow was already warping around to envelop any opposing danger in darkness. "What happened; I heard a gunshot!" She asked quickly.

"Yup!" Ayumi replied in a strangely cheerful tone, holding her hand out. Eli cursed under her breath, rushing over as the transmutation's light turned blue. The shadow underneath her flew into the air and wrapped themselves around her hand, warping to its shape before fading away; the wound completely healed.

"Oh...! That was cool, I never got healed by your shadow alchemy before, Eli." Ayumi's eyes twinkled happily as she examined her healed palm. Eli blinked, looking at Ed. "Ed, what happened? Someone try to break in?"

Ed stared at her in slight disbelief. Couldn't she tell that he was the one who shot her?! He didn't know how to tell her, deciding to hide it. He nodded simply, his eyes downcast and shadowed by his bangs. Eli sighed. "And they got away too...at least you guys are okay." She muttered, scratching the back of her head sleepily. "Alright. You two get some sleep; we're going to HQ tomorrow."

Ayumi nodded, waving her off as she left. She narrowed her eyes, hastily wiping away any remains of blood. "We have no right to lie to her...she'll find out anyway. You can't hide it forever." Ed frowned slightly. "I know..." She smiled. "Okay then. Come on, let's get to sleep." She reached over and grabbed his arm, pulling her onto the bed, playfully patting his head before lying down to sleep. Ed copied her, rolling over to not see her.

_Can I really do it? Just...try and forget it all..._ Ed told himself, closing his eyes and awaiting the nightmares that were sure to come.

-

Sure enough, Ed woke up that morning screaming. His voice died down as he opened his eyes, instead hoarsely panting through his dry throat, sweat beading down his face, making his damp hair cling to him. He sat up, staring down at the sheets that wrapped around him, noticing that he was alone. He looked up and squinted at the morning light and groaned, covering his face with his hands.

Minutes later, he was dressed and headed blankly for the kitchen. He was greeted with smiles, though for some reason he felt they were fake as he sat down and stared down at the breakfast plate before him, feeling strangely empty.

"Come on Ed...you have to eat something." Ayumi frowned at him, giving him a gentle push. Ed sighed, picking up his fork and poking at the small pile of eggs given to him, before shoveling it into his mouth. Ayumi smiled widely. "There ya go!"

"This is great; I knew it was only temporary!" Eli grinned. "So. Plan for today. We're going to check out Headquarters, since you two haven't been there in a while. Everyone's been missing you guys."

"Oh, really? Heh." Ayumi snorted, reaching for her glass. "I doubt it."

"Why? It's not like you did anything wrong." Eli replied plainly, raising her eyebrows at her friend. "Unless you forget me freaking out back there..." Ayumi muttered into her plate. "And I meant every word I said..."

"Oh...right..." Eli coughed slightly, glancing at Ed who had finished off hi food and was now staring at his plate. "Good, you finished. Would you like some more?"

Ed didn't respond at all. Everything felt like it was spinning. There was this strange feeling in his chest that made him feel sick. He couldn't breathe from the dizziness. Without warning he toppled sideways, sliding to his knees on the floor. He could almost hear the girls screaming his name but the sound was distorted. Everything was tumbling out of control. He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt something hot rise up in his throat and push past his lips to splatter on the floor in thick, slimy chunks. He heard the screaming sounds again but didn't respond to them, covering his mouth as he heaved again. It was a lost cause as it only slipped through his hands and onto the floor. He felt arms wrap around him and pull him close as he vomited again, this time, dribbling all over himself.

"Ed...! Speak to me, are you okay???" Ayumi asked as he retched over himself again. He finally got control of himself. "I...f-fine..." He croaked. "No you're not, Ed. Something's wrong with you..." Eli breathed out gently. Ayumi let him go as he shook his head, his body shaking slightly as he wiped his mouth. "There's...nothing...wrong with me..." He rasped out, staggering to his feet, only to fall back.

"Ed, sit down, just listen to us." Ayumi tugged gently on his arm. "No!" Ed yelled, jerking his arm away. "Okay, I'm tired of you all talking to me like I'm crazy or sick or something! I'm fine! There's nothing wrong with me, so stop treating me like crap!"

"But Ed..." Eli started when he threw a mad glare at her. "Shut up, I don't want to hear it!"

"Ed, the war did something to you!" Ayumi burst out. Ed stared at her angrily. "The hell are you talking about..."

Ayumi looked desperately at Eli, who sighed and nodded. "Eli and I...we were talking...and don't get mad, but we think that something happened to you when Al died. At first, we were thinking that you maybe lost your mind or something, but-"

"Oh, that's right. I've lost my mind. I'm _crazy_ for caring that my brother's dead!" Ed growled out, slamming his fist into the table.

"No, that's not it!" Ayumi frowned. "I think it was some chemical in the air...the same thing that made Al die! I don't think it was completely gone from the air and you accidentally breathed it in when you entered the trench too early-"

"Shut up, okay?! Just shut up!" Ed roared, grabbing a glass and throwing it at her. She quickly scrambled away, the glass shattering, shards of broken glass spraying everywhere. "Stop talking to me! Stop acting like you care when you really don't give a damn about me! You can't help me, and you don't know shit, okay?!!!"

"Don't you dare talk to her that way!" Eli growled. Ed ignored her, throwing Ayumi one last hateful glance. She didn't seem to notice, as she was staring hard at her clenched fists in her lap, avoiding his eyes. He turned, dashing down the hallway, knocking down objects at random. He could hear one of them chase after them, making his rampage more wild. He ran through the door and down the street, pushing past crowds of people, hearing them calling their names to come back. It only made him run faster, even though he was running out of breath quickly. Too quickly...there was a sudden, hard pounding in his chest. He could hear it in his ears. Pain was suddenly coursing through his veins. He staggered in his run clutching at his heart and wincing hard as he still fought to run away. It only hurt more. His legs went numb and gave way, making him fall hard. A loud crack pierced the sky as he hit the ground, blood marking the concrete of the street. His head was spinning again, darkness creeping from the corners of his vision. Random people were screaming, some for help, others just for pure terror.

"Ed!!!" He heard someone shriek. He couldn't quite place the voice; it was already to dark to even think. He closed his eyes as he was enveloped in darkness.

---

**Mwahahaha! This chapter's my favorite so far! And, because I'm just SO nice...I've added a torturing cliffhanger! -evil cackle/ lightning flashes- Dun worry, I'll update soon!**

**Please review!**


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